Another Ordinary Day at Hogwarts
by Beletharatowen
Summary: A Challenge Fic. Why is Sirius and Peter parading around as knights and squires? Who is Damsel Indestress? Why is James singing a Shania Twain song? And what, in the name of Merlin, does crstallized pineapple have to do with anything? Rated T, just in cas


A/N This is a Challenge Fic by 100-percent-Harry-Potter-obsessed. It's called the Wacky L/J Challenge. Hope you enjoy. Please review. Flames are allowed.

* * *

Another Ordinary Day at Hogwarts

By Bele

"You know what I can't stand?" someone asked in an overly loud, obnoxious voice. "I absolutely can't stand it when Wormtail twitches. He does it all the time. He is just so twitchy."

"We might as well _call_ him Twitchy or Sir Twitch-a-Lot," someone guffawed.

The boy in question, Peter Pettigrew, stood completely still, tears filling his eyes. He didn't understand why they mocked him. They were supposed to be his friends. He was about to leave his hiding spot and run for refuge in the Gryffindor common room when another voice entered the conversation.

"James, Sirius!" she scolded. "I'm ashamed of you. You know Peter can't help himself. Why are you always picking on him?"

"Ah…Lily…er…well…we were…" James stuttered.

"I know exactly what you were doing, you grotesque fiend. It's one of the reasons I broke up with you. Do you not realize that he is right behind that statue, listening to you make fun of him, you who is supposedly one of his best friends. You're a horrible, self-centered, egotistical, brainless, self-absorbed, conceited, vain, inflated, pompous, arrogant, cocky jerk. Good day to you, James. Good day."

She turned and stormed off. Peter could hear her angry mutterings and footsteps as she walked past him, her red hair flaming behind her. The boy twitched at her anger. James and Sirius remained silent for several minutes.

"You really botched that one up, Prongs." Peter peered around the statue to look at the two of them. James was giving Sirius a fierce glare that made Peter start to twitch again.

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Padfoot," he hissed venomously before stalking off in the opposite direction of Lily, leaving Sirius alone.

He sighed. "Come out, Wormtail."

"No," he muttered defiantly.

"Come on. I'm sorry I called you Twitchy and Sir Twitch-a-Lot."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. I truly am, Wormtail. Come on. Let's go see what Moony is up to. Remember Moony? Poor guy. Stuck up in that stuffy old library, _studying_. It's horrible, absolutely horrible. We can't have him wasting away in there, can we? He's the nice one."

Peter shuffled out from behind the statue, rubbing the tears from his eyes as Professor Slughorn walked around the corner. "Black, Pettigrew," he said cheerfully. "Care for some crystallized pineapple?"

"Oh, no thank you professor. We just had some," Sirius exclaimed, wide eyed.

"Right then. Carry on." He disappeared around another corner as Sirius shook his head slowly. He turned to Peter.

"So, Wormtail, will you come?"

"Oh, alright. Only to save Moony though. It doesn't mean that I've forgiven you yet."

"I quite understand, my friend. Shall we go a-rescuing, Wormtail?"

The boy merely twitched in response and smiled. "It's Sir Twitch-a-Lot."

Sirius laughed and led the way.

* * *

"Oh, Moony," Sirius called in a singsong voice. "Moooooooooony? Where for art thou Moony?"

"I'm right in front of you, you dolt. What do you want? Can't you see I'm studying?"

"And that is exactly why Sir Twitch-a-Lot and I, his faithful squire…Snuffles, have come to rescue you." He bowed gallantly.

Remus's eyebrow twitched upwards as he looked from 'Sir Twitch-a-Lot' to 'Squire Snuffles.' "You're joking, right?"

"Absolutely not. We can't have you wasting away in this stuffy old library. Can we, Sir Twitch-a-Lot?"

"Nope," Peter replied. He grinned. "You're the nice one, Damsel Indestress."

Remus slapped his hand to his forehead. "You've gone and ruined him for the world, Padfoot."

"Oh, nonsense. Sir Twitch-a-Lot and I will travel the world, vanquishing evil, saving damsels named Indestress, such as yourself, and reap the rewards of fame, glory, and women." The last word was emphasized with a thrust of his hips.

"Oh, sweet Merlin," Moony said as any girls, women, or feminine men nearby twitched and swooned at Sirius's actions.

"Come Indestress. Join us. We must rescue one that goes by the name of…Peasant Scorned-by-Lily," Peter said.

"Again?" Their own eyebrows twitched upwards at the reluctant bookworm. "Oh, alright. But I request a new name. I refuse to be Damsel Indestress."

"Agreed. You shall be Bishop…Bunny," Sirius said.

He twitched at the name. "No way."

"It's either that or Damsel Indestress."

"Oh, alright. I'll be Bishop Bunny. Oh, what fearful name. People shall cower from me with a name like Bishop Bunny."

"Crystallized pineapple?" someone asked from behind Sirius. Said boy jumped and turned.

"No, thank you, Professor. Remus is allergic and that wouldn't be fair to him if we were to eat it in front of him."

"Oh, alright then." He started to leave turned around suddenly. "And you boy," he said, pointing at Peter. "You really ought to see Madam Pomfrey about that twitch." He left.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Something funny is going on. And I don't just mean that my pants have caught on fire." Which indeed they had.

Remus doused the flames using his wand and sighed. "What am I to do with you, Padfoot?"

"It's Squire Snuffles and cheer up Bunny," Sirius said. "We're going to rescue Peasant Scorned-by-Lily."

* * *

"How dare he? How _dare _he? He just makes me so _mad!_" Lily was pacing by the lake. The Giant Squid twitched lazily in the sun.

"He isn't that bad," exclaimed Lily's friend Alice. "I mean, he is only a little immature."

"And he's kinda cute. I mean he's gotta have muscles from playing Quidditch," Amelia, her other friend said.

"Are you two against me today?" she asked angrily, a nerve near her eye, twitching.

"No, we just know how much you still like him. Why don't you give him another chance?"

"He doesn't deserve another chance. Don't forget what he just did to Peter."

"No, of course not." Amelia looked at Alice with a conspiratorial glance. "We both know he is an insolent, puffed up, self-glorifying, presumptuous, haughty rat."

"Don't forget. He is a snobbish, bullying, pretentious, impertinent, selfish, insulting flobberworm, a garish, reckless, impudent, overbearing, domineering, overconfident braggart, and a stuck-up, snooty, uppity, thick-witted, moronic toad who wouldn't know right from left," Alice said.

"And he twitches when you yell at him," added Amelia.

Lily frowned. "He isn't all bad," she commented, feeling the need to stick up for him after all those insults. "I mean he's smart and witty. He is really good at transfiguration. He can be really sweet and gentle, romantic. Well, he _is _rather endearing," she said at their looks.

Amelia shot Alice a quick grin that was missed by Lily altogether. She was staring at the Giant Squid twitching in the sun. The red-head frowned. Now that she thought about it, she missed all those things about James. She was formulating a plan when Professor Slughorn interrupted her thoughts.

"Crystallized pineapple, Miss Evans?"

"What? Oh, no thank you, sir."

"If you are quite sure," he said downcast. He offered it to Amelia and Alice, who also declined the offer. He trudged away back towards the castle.

* * *

"Come out already, Prongs. We've stopped calling you Peasant Scorned-by-Lily," Sirius called through the locked door.

"And I've already told you. I'm not coming out. I'm not in the mood for your games. You, Sir Twitch-a-Lot, and Damsel Indestress--"

"It's Bishop Bunny," Remus called irritably.

"Whatever" was the muttered reply. "You can all just go away and play someplace else. You don't understand."

"What is there to understand?" Sirius called. "You've just been scorned, once again, by a certain red-haired witch."

"You really don't get it, Padfoot," James snarled as he yanked open the door. "I love her. I love Lily Evans. I would do anything to get her back, _anything_."

"_Anything?_" asked Amelia, who stood next to a flabbergasted Lily. Alice looked dreamily at Frank Longbottom as he passed by.

James flushed a deep crimson. "Yes," he murmured, looking at the ground where his toe was scuffing the stone floor of a Hogwarts corridor. He twitched as if from an unseen blow.

"Really?" Lily squeaked. She clapped a hand over her mouth.

He looked up at her. "Really," he said softly. Sirius and Peter looked at James with open mouths.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'll just go now," he said and strolled off.

"Uh, we will too. Come along Sirius, Peter." Amelia called, dragging at their arms.

"You have to refer to them as Squire Snuffles and Sir Twitch-a-Lot," James said, the corner of his mouth twitching.

"Oh. Alright," Alice said warily. "Oi! You two dingbats. Come along."

Sirius shook his head like a dog. "Right. Come along dingbat number 1. We must follow Queen Insult."

Peter twitched and followed meekly behind them, leaving James and Lily by themselves.

"So…" Lily said.

"So…" repeated James. "What now? Do I grovel on my hands and knees, begging for forgiveness?"

She didn't have the chance to answer. Slughorn had once again appeared. "Crystallized pineapple?"

James sighed. "No, thank you. Sirius might like some though."

"Oh, I'll just go ask him then."

'You do that," he muttered under his breath as the professor walked off. "So, do I beg and grovel?"

"No," she said coyly. "I know something even better."

* * *

_The car won't start-it's falling apart_

_I was late for work and the boss got smart_

_My pantyline shows-got a run in my hose_

_My hair went flat-man, I hate that_

_Just when I thought things couldn't get worse_

_I realized I forgot my purse_

_With all this stress-I must confess_

_This could be worse than PMS_

James had jumped onto the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and started to belt out Shania Twain's "Honey, I'm Home."

_This job ain't worth the pay_

_Can't wait 'til the end of the day_

_Honey, I'm on my way_

_Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!_

James jumped into Sirius's lap and sang to him. Said boy didn't even twitch.

_Honey, I'm home and I had a hard day_

_Pour me a cold one and oh, by the way_

_Rub my feet, gimme something to eat_

_Fix me up my favorite treat_

_Honey, I'm back, my head's killing me_

_I need to relax and watch TV_

_Get off the phone-give the dog a bone_

_Hey! Hey! Honey, I'm home!_

He leaped back onto the table and continued to sing the country song. The professors at the head table stared in shock except for Professor Dumbledore who was smiling and nodding his head to the music. The students were hooting and hollering. Wolf whistles and cat calls were shouted. As soon as he was done, James took a bow, but before he could leap down from the table, Sirius joined him. He then said in a very loud voice, "Honey, you may be home and tired, but I've got a whole lot more on my mind than watching TV."

This brought several chuckles from the room. "Then tarry on, dearest," James grinned and looped his arm through Sirius's. They jumped off the table and sashayed out the room as Sirius wrapped his arm around James's waist, pulling him close. The crowd was roaring in laughter by that time.

The two quickly came back in, bowing to their audience. As they sat down, Professor Dumbledore stood up and his arms twitched. "Thank you, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black for that entertaining show. If we may now continue to eat, I'm sure we all would like to fall into our comfy beds and into blissful sleep."

Slughorn stood up. "But first," he called out. "Can I offer anybody some crystallized pineapple?" The hand holding the crystallized pineapple twitched. When nobody stood up to claim a piece, he sat back down, thoroughly downtrodden.

* * *

When they returned to the Gryffindor common room, they entered to Remus saying, "And the grand total shall be…" They walked in to find the werewolf playing a card game with Frank Longbottom.

"…Fifty-seven games to me, thirteen to you. Looks like I win the Firewiskey this time Frank."

"Moony?" James asked startled. "What are you….why are…what…I don't…"

"Moony, congratulations," Sirius called. "And here I thought you were in the library studying again. But no, you playing poker and gambling. Well, done my friend. Well done."

"Well actually, we were playing 'Go Fish,'" Frank said. "And he always wins the Firewiskey."

"Firewiskey? But you aren't of age," Peter exclaimed. He twitched.

"Ah," said Remus. "Well, I'll just have to get rid of the evidence, now. Won't I?" He popped open the bottle and took a large swig of it. He choked slightly and gasped out, twitching. "Always burns the most with the first gulp. Here, Padfoot."

He tossed the bottle to him. Before they knew it, the bottle was empty and everybody had filed off to bed. Remus smiled. The day was just another ordinary day at Hogwarts. Peter was finally joking around. Lily and James were back together, finally. Sirius had another good laugh and he, Remus Lupin, convinced the others that he wasn't so bookworm-ish. He sighed in contentment. The day couldn't have been better.

* * *

Away in another part of the castle, Professor Slughorn was digging through his cupboards, looking for his crystallized pineapple. After several fruitless minutes of frantic searching, he howled in frustration. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Sirius laughed as he heard the exclamation ring throughout Hogwarts. "Anybody care for some crystallized pineapple?" he asked. He was just about to hand one to James when someone rushed in.

"Elppaenip dezillatsyrc eht tae ydobon!"

"What?"


End file.
